What is the latest battle in the War for the Flyness of Prospect Heights? It’s not PH pedestrians vs the inexorable northward march of Park Slope strollers… sushi vs beef patties… or even $2.50 mini-cupcakes vs $15 manicures. It’s about normal footwear vs. overly casual fashion in the form of unisex plastic shoes with Swiss cheese holes.
Now that “Prospect Heights Ladies” have taken liftandcut’s advice to chill with the tight tapered pants, PHers are taking aim at footwear that, granted, may seem pretty cheap at $35 a pop, notes The Manolo, “until one realizes that they are manufactured out of the plastic rings used to hold the packs of six. Not the good value at half the price.”
If Crocs are a symptom, then the true disease may be comfort obsession, borne by our Park Slope neighbors to the south. Here is Erikka’s take: “PS has the least fashionable footwear per capita outside Burlington, Vermont. What is up with all this hippie ‘off the couch and out on the street’ shit?! People still wear those shoes from the 90’s that have velcro straps all over them–that shit wasn’t cool when ravers wore it…”
Erikka continues: “Don’t even get me started on the clogs–walking around with your cla-CLOMP, cla-CLOMPs like some sort of displaced yuppie Dutchman. And all those earth mother, various-shades-of-poop-brown recycled-everything sandals are the definition of ‘boner killer’. What is this obsession with comfort and being comfortable all the time? If god wanted you to be comfortable 24/7 he would have made you with marshmallows for feet. Take those hideous orange boats off your feet and put on some grown-up shoes!”
Um… OK. But let’s be fair. Judging from the sentiments expressed on the Prospect Heights Message Board, we are far from presenting a united front of hatin’ on comfort shoes: “Bring on the crocs and their bright, happy colors,” parrothead says. Likewise, VeggieQueen says she wears them exclusively in the garden because the dirt washes off so easily: “I’d love to wear them out in public, but i don’t dare… they are pretty ugly. My pair is dark brown… not neon puke green, or psycho clockwork orange.”
“I don’t think people are grasping the gravity of this struggle,” says young snitch, our resident Ayatollah of fashion. “In a neighborhood at the tipping point, we must cast fist-sized stones at infidels who seek to plunge Prospect Heights into a Park Slopian zeitgeist of ugly footwear, Cornell sweatshirts, faces dusted with cupcake crumbs, and general unflyness. wearing a messenger bag does not mean you’re ballllllliiiiin’. ”
Nice one, Ayatollah. What type of burka is most appropriate when one is rocking fake bapes? As homeowner implores: “could you PLEASE, PLEASE tell all the guys stylin’ around the bodega that patent leather belongs only on little girls’ Mary Janes? You can’t roll on me and try to eyeball me with patent leather high-tops. It’s not fly. Especially when your patent leather is blue or red.”
Park Slope invading Prospect Heights? Sounds more like Manhattan to me.